Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
someone get that fucking seahorse.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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