How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
