On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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