those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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