Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
