I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
