God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
