I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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