i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
