I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
