Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
