i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize