I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
