who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
