why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
