My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
