So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
