Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm always down for nudity.
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