Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
