hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
