Have you finally orgasmed yet?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
