I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
