one word: firstdatebathroomanal
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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