She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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