am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
