im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
