i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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