It was confusing and full of hummus
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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