at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
