I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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