Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize