At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
