you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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