If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
