After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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