I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
