i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
