I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
