He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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