The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
