I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
