I wish I only lived at night.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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