Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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