I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
