i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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