There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
