I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
