my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize