But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
