Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
