how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
