I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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