So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
