went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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