I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
