some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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