he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
