Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
