New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
