I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
