Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
