everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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