im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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