girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
