He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
