if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
